Why DO They Use Artificial Turf In Iowa Stadiums?

Des Moines sure knocked my socks off. Tomorrow is my last full day here, and I'll say I never expected to have such amazing experiences.

I have grown so much in this place, thus I've learned a lot--about myself, my path, this life.

I had invaluable adventures, created impressionable memories, and met so many new souls, all of which enlightened me.

Being around my niece and nephew, and watching these small humans in their stages of total dependency and attachment, I also developed this huge understanding about love. I have begun to see how love is the foundation of all the basic human needs. Our needs for touch, affection, physicality, affirmation. If we're lucky, we get adequate amounts in our childhoods. But now as adults, outside of our homes and away from the comfort of family, we still need just as much. We need to feel other bodies. We like someone close to us when we fall asleep. We crave attention. Eyes that notice us. We need kisses. We want someone to grab us. To hold us tight when we need a good cry.

So we find it in the places we can, and we hope those sources are trustworthy and healthful to us; places of substance.

And I think it's ok that way.I think when we find ourselves in those moments of uninhibited love with another human, we get a glimpse and a taste of God's character--its perfection and wholeness.

As far as my own inner discovery goes, I've realized I naturally see the highest potential in people. This can be destructive, as I live in a world of idealism and don't always acknowledge where people actually are, but I'm working on the balance. The true beauty in this gift surfaces when you choose to see the possibilities for all the human life around you, because then you have the power to make people's lives a little better, in the simplest of ways. Namely because you help people to see the abundant light in themselves.

I'm rambling, and being extremely nostalgic because I have spent a few months loving people here and now it is time once again to be on my way. As some of my favorite artists have said,

"I move on to another day, to a whole new town with a whole new way (Modest Mouse)"

and I feel "like a rolling stone, with no direction home (Bob Dylan)" but I will continue, because "you pass through places and places pass through you, but you carry em' with you on the soles of your travelin' shoes (The Be Good Tanyas)"

for

"If I leave here tomorrow

Would you still remember me?

For I must be travelling on, now,

'Cause there's too many places I've got to see.

But, if I stayed here with you

Things just couldn't be the same (Lynyrd Skynyrd).

Oh, and the answer to the blog title is "to keep the cheerleaders from grazing." Had to throw one Iowa joke in here...I am still a Minnesota gal' ;)

She's Just The Sweetest Thing

I noticed my last couple posts were somewhat dark and twisty...maybe not so dark, but a little dreary if nothing else.

I was thinking about how fulfilling my life has been (and continues to be), how much joy I experience daily, and how there is an overflow of love and an abundance of community for me, no matter where I lay my head down on this earth.

How should one person be so fortunate?

All this led me to think about one person. Someone who grew up without getting the support and affirmation that I've always known, but yet turned into the most stable vessel of unconditional love and acceptance that I've ever even heard of. Her big heart beats, and emulates the spirit of God consistently day in and day out, as she serves everyone around her with a joy and willingness that I pray will one day become my own.

Last year she had a moment of crisis, as her life took a change and she found herself questioning her role in the world. She thought about new career options, more schooling; any kind of change. None of it fit though, and for a while she remained restless. As we all knew however, she would soon have something concluded, and our role would simply be to give her the room to move in whatever direction she needed. It was her turn to have room. She had spent the past 25+ years raising a family, our family, putting herself last 110% of the time.

Ma always has that look about her in the morning. It'll be 9 o'clock, I'll be groggily stumbling into the kitchen sniffin' for my french press, and she has already been awake for 4 hours. Normally, you can tell she has taken care of herself

1) spiritually--surrendered her day to the Lord

2) physically--gone to the gym and eaten her daily dose of eggs

3) mentally--done 30 min worth of reading, while thoroughly enjoying her 20oz of coffee

(really, the coffee part could be in all three categories <3>

but throughout the month or so when she was feeling restless and looking for more to do, her face didn't have the same calm about it. Then she hit her moment of enlightenment, realized she had not truly submitted her restlessness and uncertainty over to her Master, and everything changed drastically. Within a couple months, her days were busy from start to finish. Once again, her time became dedicated to the well-being of others, as she went from meeting to meeting counseling other women, giving herself to the world emotionally and physically and spiritually.

I have gotten to have a mother that knows how to love, despite not being taken care of as a child.

I have been raised by a woman that values compassion, forgiveness, and stability--and she has taught me to do the same.

My mother gave up her plans at 24, because she believes in giving your all to whatever you're doing.

She lost her first son, but proceeded to choose to be a mother and a wife. She made herself present, constantly.

She accepted me without hesitation, no matter what terrifyingly stupid choices I was making (am making, will make, etc.).

Ma showed me her unwaivering confidence in my character, which has given me the strength I need to be the woman I'm meant to be for the world.

Maybe it's the fact that soon I'm going to be somewhere quite far for quite a while, or maybe it's just because she is the kind of woman that puts an imprint on your heart. Regardless, my mom has been on my mind a whole lot these days...

I wish the whole world could get enough time for a cup of coffee with that woman, because everyone who sits down with her stands up feeling encouraged, motivated, inspired. She makes new friends feel loved simply by speaking their names, and for all of us who get the privilege of knowing her intimately, we know we have been blessed by the Divine.

Love you ma. More than I can even come close to articulating.

Lesson 1: What To Do If You're Drowning

One day I'll show you the song that goes with this. But it's a nice little ditty, nonetheless.

"Lost in a sea of light and dark,

he stood with his back to me as I became my own worst enemy.

My sheets got stained with tears he made.

So I left town, packed my life into a black composition notebook,

and swore he would never touch this heart again.

Darlin' you were drownin',

in your foolish, prideful ways.

I fought so long, stood too strong,

but now my legs and back are shaking,

and I'm in need of a resue too.

Could ya' be my savior? Could you?

No, I think not.

Showed up in the foreign place on the cold November blue,

knew not more than a face or two, but could finally hold the moon.

Then he showed up, squeezed my hand and held me harder than is healthy to.

Called me his Angel, he was more than grateful.

It made me remember, how it could be better, lyin' next to someone who feels

their own heart ache.

He knows how to believe in somethin'

counts to three,

never lies to me,

and already offered me his key.

Burr it's getting colder.

Burr it's getting colder.

But when darkness falls, he is like the rest.

At the end of the night, he's more sunk than most.

Chokes down the liquor, shuts down the world,

gettin' high on nicotine and vodka,

his legs are crampin' up underneath the weight of it all.

Darlin' you're drownin',

in your compulsions, which stem from your sadness.

I could fight so long, I know how to stand strong,

but in a breath I'll be gone,

and it's my turn,

to have someone step in

and rescue me this time.

Cuz I'm drownin'

We're all drownin'

Just dronwin'

Without You."

so it burns, so I live...

For Meghan

I feel so many things,

I think too much. My mind is always racing,

my insides are always fluttering.

My tear ducts

are constantly open,

and my heart is permanently attached to my sleeve.

Though I avoid commitment,

I have also learned when to ground my feet

in the earth,

for I'm never able to walk away from a heart-----no matter how it thwarts my own.

I lose my breath at night, thinking of him,

and I wake up sweating with teeth clenched.

My. Peace. Has. Been. Shaken.

Still, my heart beats recklessly,

impulsively and foolishly.

I have a passionate fire

that consumes my insides.

It's beautiful and yet dangerously out of control,

the way only fire can be.

I hurt.

I miss.I long for.

But I am well.

I would never smother my fire,

for though its burn is painful . . .

the life it brings me is invaluable.

I will never trade my burning fire;

its worth incalculable.

And I will never settle for the stagnant, lifeless existence that

is left

in the remains

of

The Fire.

"[...] see this flame [...]"

"My Burning Heart"

My heart is burning with love

All can see this flame

My heart is pulsing with passion

like waves on an ocean

my friends have become strangers

and I’m surrounded by enemies

But I’m free as the wind

no longer hurt by those who reproach me

I’m at home wherever I am

And in the room of lovers

I can see with closed eyes

the beauty that dances

Behind the veils

intoxicated with love

I too dance the rhythm

of this moving world

I have lost my senses

in my world of lovers.

-Rumi

When something good gets thrown at you,

just let your feet

be free.

It feels good to catch it.

And the earth remains below you,

whenever you're ready to ground

again.

(Yes, that's me catching the bouquet ♥ )

A Sequence of Breathing

Don't Forget to Focus On Your Breath...

Ma showed up yesterday, and we're all glad.

"Normal, But Not" 1:00 am: everyone in the house was asleep, and in general, everyone was breathing normally. Energy was moving, but we all knew we needed our rest.

"Ready To Go" 4:00 am: my attic light flickers on, Ma's standin over me, anticipation on her face..."Bek's contractions are about 3 min apart now...thought you'd like to come down!" Breathing starts to speed up, within minutes we're all in the living room, Bek on her hands and knees, me and ma squattin' over her, and all three of us are starting our deep breaths as a team, but with a good 3 or 4 minutes between each full-body breath.

At this point we headed to the hospital, and meanwhile started the 8-hour-long music playlist we had set up for the labor...it was amazing to have such beautiful art throughout our entire morning.

Here was our room with a view of the city and the sunrise!

"Things Are In Motion" 8:00 am: regular (half-screaming) breaths, every 30 seconds. Intensity. Tears. I find myself sweaty and out of breath after each contraction, as I'm strattling and squatting and lunging and basically doin' full blown yoga all morning; group yoga with the girls.

Here is a nice image of the skype birth with Jas, far away in Afghanistan, but still being present.

Let me interject here, that the power and magnificence that lies in assisting a woman through the birthing of her new baby (especially when it's your blood) is indescribable. I felt like I got to play Jason's role, not nearly as well as he would have, but nonetheless I felt like I was infusing life into my sister, on behalf of Jas, and for the sake of baby Dre. Every moment with my hands placed on her back or chest was me getting to inject love energy; every time I shoved my head into her tail bone I got to be a part of Dre, a part of Jas, a part of Bek. Even though I had no clue what to expect from a birth, my core knew exactly what to do. More than ever I am convinced that we are all intrinsically designed to know how to love and nourish those around us, from the little people inside our bellies, to all the other faces that walk across our paths throughout our lives here.

Moving on...

"Are Things Really In Motion Here?" 10:20am: not much progress. Bek is in a lot of pain, au natural of course. I'm basically punching her in the back to keep her sane, she's clawing at my neck and writhing around, nearly breaking the bed and really for the first time so far, finally allowing the scream that has been begging to come out for the past 7+ hours to fill every room of every floor of this hospital...

....I'll skip over the next 20 minutes, for mystery's sake. It wasn't even altogether eventful...

(ha)

"This Is It" 10:40am: Bek is only halfway on the bed, Erica is dutifully holding onto Bek, Dre is pokin' his head out, Ma is nowhere to be found (unfortunately stepped out at the worst time), Jason is basically pissing his pants from the computer screen (from Afghanistan) and I am racing in and out of the room, because "WHERE THE BLOODY HELL IS THE DOCTOR?!"

Suddenly there are at least 6 nurses in the room, lookin' a little panicked, trying to convince my poor and focused sister to stop pushing until the Doc gets in here. At this point, I think I'm going to be a witness to this nurse's first delivery (she was a doll) and I am just overcome with the electricity that is jetting all over the room.

Doc comes running, shows up just in the knick of time, sliding under my sister like Hank Aaron sliding up to the home plate at the bottom of the ninth, and says something about his head. Waaaaaiit, whaaat? That's his head? What the ****? Doesn't look entirely right...ok, that is definitely not right, his umbilical cord is wrapped around his neck. Twice? Yikes. He's not breathing. Is that normal? I know he's not entirely out of her yet but come on, this is my first live birth--I have no idea what's what.

"Somebody hand me a scissors," murmurs Doc, way too calmly in my opinion. Shouldn't she be freaking out a little bit? Snip, snip. Cord is good, no longer strangling this little man. Ok, Doc is now officially Dr. Bad-Ass.

The next moment was undoubtedly one of the most illuminative and enriching milliseconds of my life;

Everett's first breath.

The journey of getting to watch this little human learn Taekwondo in his momma's tummy for 9 months, singing to him and cultivating some familiarity for him while he sat cookin' still, was invaluable. And after all was said and done, I got to pump loving energy into him for his last 7 hours of gestation before he entered this world and joined the rest of us. Incredible.

But the pinnacle of it all? The acme? Getting to experience that split second where he went from being a blue mutant-like blob lying motionless in Doc's hands, to an eruption of animated life, all from that single first breath.

That moment, from inanimate shape to wiggling little boy, was sacred.

Transcendental.

As he erupted into life, I erupted into hysterical tears of elation.

"Temporary Wrap-Up For The Last 26 Hours" 3:00 PM

Ma, Bek and I fully honored the beauty that we got to experience together today, as a trio. How unbelievable to get to share what we all did.

Our mom has been a part of a lot of births in her day, and she was there for both Ava and Ev.

Dre getting his first of many kisses to come from his big sister Ava.

Of course, we all still love Ava Rene like none other.

♥ ☮ ♥ ☮ ♥

So my conclusion?

Never forget your breath.

It's what separates the dreary from the spirited;

the mundane from the inspired;

the living from the dead.

Just One of Those Days.

Today, was perfect.

From the energy and health that possessed me as I rolled out of bed at 8:30 this morning, to the skip in my step as I walked in the door at 8:30 this evening, things went perfectly today. I got to giggle with Avita in a coffee shop this morning (after she looked at me solemnly and said, "Auntie Hannah, I NEED coffee. We NEED to go to the coffee shop) and take her on a train ride around the mall, then I proceeded to have great interactions with all the clients at the gym today--despite all the problems people came in with, I was able to resolve them, and get people on with their day with smiles on their faces.

I can't possibly detail every little thing that went perfectly today--as everything did. Stars were aligned. Health was restored. Forces were surrounding me. Karma was in the positive.

Needless to say, it seems like a great day to help bring a baby into the world :)