Mornings ♥

Sucking our thumbs...or rather, sucking each others' thumbs.

Giggly girls

She's pretty amazed how weird I am...

Also wanted to share some videos that capture Lilia's full-personality :)

Cher-Cher Lilia, Sacré-Cœur, Montmartre, Moulin Rouge, Café des Deux Moulins (Amelie's Cafe)

Not much to write tonight folks. Loads going on here--physically, emotionally, spiritually. Just wanted to share some photos with you. Had a nice couple of days exploring with Lilia and Claire this week :)

Moulin Rouge (clearly)

This is Café des Deux Moulins, the cafe Amelie worked at.

A random street in Montmartre, with some random lovers highlighted :)

Lilia and I at Sacré-Cœur together

Claire and Lilia on the rue of street art

This street for the street artists is just a couple blocks down from my apartment.

This is Lilia, the cher cher I get to spend time with :)

Doesn't she just have the best smile?

She is already such a dancer too!

C'est tout. Bonne nuit.

67 Rue de Belleville; Beaucoup de Langues

(That's ^ my address for now. If you would write me, which I would love, be sure to send to "JEM Paris (attn: Hannah Birkeland)" as my name is not on the post box. Also the zip is 75019. So here's the spot, in its entirety:

JEM Paris (Attn: Hannah Birkeland)

67 Rue de Belleville

Paris, France

75019

Right now as I write this, my roommate Marthe is running around our room on the phone with her mother, laughing and shouting in Dutch, her native tongue. In the hallway, Kindra (another flatmate) and Richard (our visitor of the week) are joking in Spanish, as the former is from Spain and the latter is from Venezuela. Ida is in the kitchen, and though she is quiet tonight, she is often heard speaking her native tongue of Norwegian, as she hails from Norway.

(my room)

Can you believe how rich this environment is? I am surrounded so intimately by such different cultures...we all have so much to learn from each other. Around Belleville (my "village" so-to-speak here in Paris) I have been doing my best to keep up with the French. Due to the beautiful and illuminating diversity I am surrounded by in my flat, I don't hear a lot of French when I'm sitting at home (which does not happen frequently). This has definitely saved me from that immediate head-ache that I find always accompanies one's first bit of time in a foreign country, where the native tongue is not one's own. But that being said, improving my French is a significant intention of mine whilst here, so I sort of wish for the head-ache. Lucky for me, Claire (I'll introduce her in the following paragraph) is from Paris, so she speaks perfectly clear and articulate French, and I have asked her to speak to me in French as much as she can remember when we are together. Already in our two days of time together she has taught me more than she knows.(the view from my bedroom window)

I am here for loads of reasons, all of which are derived from the fact that I simply am (there's that abstract brain-vomit...*refer to post #1). My primary duty right now is to take care of Lilia, the 19-month-old daughter of Jono and Claire Bevan, the couple that are in charge of Kiwizine (the community-operated restaurant/art-gallery that brought me here). This will be my main responsibility for the next three months, at which point the Bevans will be moving to Vietnam and my duties will clearly change. Thus, my secondary duty for the time being is to be trained by Claire, to replace Claire for the period in which she is not here. I am excited about this, as Kiwizine is just fabulous and I absolutely feel at home being a part of it. But there are definitely nerves associated with this as well, considering I will be the main person serving and dealing with our customer's questions (about the food, the cafe, our group, etc.)...all of whom only speak French. Oh la la!

Jono is Claire's husband, and he has already become a dear friend to me. From New Zealand, he has come from a whole other culture, but gets on here in Paris quite naturally. Jono is an excellent chef, and is the leader of all the goings-on of JEM Paris. At this point I am not quite sure who will step up for his role when they depart...

I do not have much else to report about the experience so far. I have been here only three and a half days, so there is a whole lot more to come.

As far as my psycho-spiritual analysis of the situation and my new life here, well of course there has been a lot of that ;)

Immediately upon my arrival I was struck by a feeling of lonesomeness that definitely surprised me. Not because I think I'm above feeling lonely, for I have definitely spent my fair share of time in solitude, but simply because I have never experienced the emotions that would naturally accompany a move such as I just made. It was a pretty intense consciousness to be made aware of that huge 4,000 mile gap, which separates me from everyone who knows me. A couple nights ago I couldnot sleep, and after the standard methods of attempting it (counting sheep/counting blessings, reading a book, writing a journal entry, mindlessly surfing Facebook, chatting with loved ones), I found myself still wide awake at 4:30am. My last resort (I don't know why I always wait last minute to do what I know will work) was to do my dance practice. I did an hour-long dance, in the dark, in my apartment, with the windows open, watching people walk through the street (NO idea what they were all doing out at 4:30...maybe same as me?) and started to feel better. Grounding myself is near impossible (in my life, so of course in my dance), but as there are four other people living in this apartment, and these floor boards creak like they're doing a dance on their own, I was literally FORCED to keep my feet in one spot, whilst my upper body did its natural chaos dance. If anyone could have seen it, it must have been entertaining to say the least, but therapeutic for me.

Through the embodiment and sequencing that occurs whenever I enter into the dance, I was able to come back to myself, and remember that really, I am home.

This temple is my home, and that memory is the greatest comfort my Creator has given me.

Things are always a stitch difficult for a while, in every new place I find myself.

Before long, I adjust.

I fall in love easily.

Then the time comes to return "home", and though I'm usually ready, I always know I'll miss this most recent place and way of life intensely.

It has become clear that no matter what I do or where I go, I will be more than taken care of; more than satisfied.

(view from the park across my street)

(l'entree of my first night at the restaurant)

(I got to snip and gut all these little guys)

(and the finished product !)

(this is the kitchen of Kiwizine)

(this is Kiwizine)

Why DO They Use Artificial Turf In Iowa Stadiums?

Des Moines sure knocked my socks off. Tomorrow is my last full day here, and I'll say I never expected to have such amazing experiences.

I have grown so much in this place, thus I've learned a lot--about myself, my path, this life.

I had invaluable adventures, created impressionable memories, and met so many new souls, all of which enlightened me.

Being around my niece and nephew, and watching these small humans in their stages of total dependency and attachment, I also developed this huge understanding about love. I have begun to see how love is the foundation of all the basic human needs. Our needs for touch, affection, physicality, affirmation. If we're lucky, we get adequate amounts in our childhoods. But now as adults, outside of our homes and away from the comfort of family, we still need just as much. We need to feel other bodies. We like someone close to us when we fall asleep. We crave attention. Eyes that notice us. We need kisses. We want someone to grab us. To hold us tight when we need a good cry.

So we find it in the places we can, and we hope those sources are trustworthy and healthful to us; places of substance.

And I think it's ok that way.I think when we find ourselves in those moments of uninhibited love with another human, we get a glimpse and a taste of God's character--its perfection and wholeness.

As far as my own inner discovery goes, I've realized I naturally see the highest potential in people. This can be destructive, as I live in a world of idealism and don't always acknowledge where people actually are, but I'm working on the balance. The true beauty in this gift surfaces when you choose to see the possibilities for all the human life around you, because then you have the power to make people's lives a little better, in the simplest of ways. Namely because you help people to see the abundant light in themselves.

I'm rambling, and being extremely nostalgic because I have spent a few months loving people here and now it is time once again to be on my way. As some of my favorite artists have said,

"I move on to another day, to a whole new town with a whole new way (Modest Mouse)"

and I feel "like a rolling stone, with no direction home (Bob Dylan)" but I will continue, because "you pass through places and places pass through you, but you carry em' with you on the soles of your travelin' shoes (The Be Good Tanyas)"

for

"If I leave here tomorrow

Would you still remember me?

For I must be travelling on, now,

'Cause there's too many places I've got to see.

But, if I stayed here with you

Things just couldn't be the same (Lynyrd Skynyrd).

Oh, and the answer to the blog title is "to keep the cheerleaders from grazing." Had to throw one Iowa joke in here...I am still a Minnesota gal' ;)

She's Just The Sweetest Thing

I noticed my last couple posts were somewhat dark and twisty...maybe not so dark, but a little dreary if nothing else.

I was thinking about how fulfilling my life has been (and continues to be), how much joy I experience daily, and how there is an overflow of love and an abundance of community for me, no matter where I lay my head down on this earth.

How should one person be so fortunate?

All this led me to think about one person. Someone who grew up without getting the support and affirmation that I've always known, but yet turned into the most stable vessel of unconditional love and acceptance that I've ever even heard of. Her big heart beats, and emulates the spirit of God consistently day in and day out, as she serves everyone around her with a joy and willingness that I pray will one day become my own.

Last year she had a moment of crisis, as her life took a change and she found herself questioning her role in the world. She thought about new career options, more schooling; any kind of change. None of it fit though, and for a while she remained restless. As we all knew however, she would soon have something concluded, and our role would simply be to give her the room to move in whatever direction she needed. It was her turn to have room. She had spent the past 25+ years raising a family, our family, putting herself last 110% of the time.

Ma always has that look about her in the morning. It'll be 9 o'clock, I'll be groggily stumbling into the kitchen sniffin' for my french press, and she has already been awake for 4 hours. Normally, you can tell she has taken care of herself

1) spiritually--surrendered her day to the Lord

2) physically--gone to the gym and eaten her daily dose of eggs

3) mentally--done 30 min worth of reading, while thoroughly enjoying her 20oz of coffee

(really, the coffee part could be in all three categories <3>

but throughout the month or so when she was feeling restless and looking for more to do, her face didn't have the same calm about it. Then she hit her moment of enlightenment, realized she had not truly submitted her restlessness and uncertainty over to her Master, and everything changed drastically. Within a couple months, her days were busy from start to finish. Once again, her time became dedicated to the well-being of others, as she went from meeting to meeting counseling other women, giving herself to the world emotionally and physically and spiritually.

I have gotten to have a mother that knows how to love, despite not being taken care of as a child.

I have been raised by a woman that values compassion, forgiveness, and stability--and she has taught me to do the same.

My mother gave up her plans at 24, because she believes in giving your all to whatever you're doing.

She lost her first son, but proceeded to choose to be a mother and a wife. She made herself present, constantly.

She accepted me without hesitation, no matter what terrifyingly stupid choices I was making (am making, will make, etc.).

Ma showed me her unwaivering confidence in my character, which has given me the strength I need to be the woman I'm meant to be for the world.

Maybe it's the fact that soon I'm going to be somewhere quite far for quite a while, or maybe it's just because she is the kind of woman that puts an imprint on your heart. Regardless, my mom has been on my mind a whole lot these days...

I wish the whole world could get enough time for a cup of coffee with that woman, because everyone who sits down with her stands up feeling encouraged, motivated, inspired. She makes new friends feel loved simply by speaking their names, and for all of us who get the privilege of knowing her intimately, we know we have been blessed by the Divine.

Love you ma. More than I can even come close to articulating.

Lesson 1: What To Do If You're Drowning

One day I'll show you the song that goes with this. But it's a nice little ditty, nonetheless.

"Lost in a sea of light and dark,

he stood with his back to me as I became my own worst enemy.

My sheets got stained with tears he made.

So I left town, packed my life into a black composition notebook,

and swore he would never touch this heart again.

Darlin' you were drownin',

in your foolish, prideful ways.

I fought so long, stood too strong,

but now my legs and back are shaking,

and I'm in need of a resue too.

Could ya' be my savior? Could you?

No, I think not.

Showed up in the foreign place on the cold November blue,

knew not more than a face or two, but could finally hold the moon.

Then he showed up, squeezed my hand and held me harder than is healthy to.

Called me his Angel, he was more than grateful.

It made me remember, how it could be better, lyin' next to someone who feels

their own heart ache.

He knows how to believe in somethin'

counts to three,

never lies to me,

and already offered me his key.

Burr it's getting colder.

Burr it's getting colder.

But when darkness falls, he is like the rest.

At the end of the night, he's more sunk than most.

Chokes down the liquor, shuts down the world,

gettin' high on nicotine and vodka,

his legs are crampin' up underneath the weight of it all.

Darlin' you're drownin',

in your compulsions, which stem from your sadness.

I could fight so long, I know how to stand strong,

but in a breath I'll be gone,

and it's my turn,

to have someone step in

and rescue me this time.

Cuz I'm drownin'

We're all drownin'

Just dronwin'

Without You."

so it burns, so I live...

For Meghan

I feel so many things,

I think too much. My mind is always racing,

my insides are always fluttering.

My tear ducts

are constantly open,

and my heart is permanently attached to my sleeve.

Though I avoid commitment,

I have also learned when to ground my feet

in the earth,

for I'm never able to walk away from a heart-----no matter how it thwarts my own.

I lose my breath at night, thinking of him,

and I wake up sweating with teeth clenched.

My. Peace. Has. Been. Shaken.

Still, my heart beats recklessly,

impulsively and foolishly.

I have a passionate fire

that consumes my insides.

It's beautiful and yet dangerously out of control,

the way only fire can be.

I hurt.

I miss.I long for.

But I am well.

I would never smother my fire,

for though its burn is painful . . .

the life it brings me is invaluable.

I will never trade my burning fire;

its worth incalculable.

And I will never settle for the stagnant, lifeless existence that

is left

in the remains

of

The Fire.