Old, Dirty Sweatpants.

Missing people is weird.

I don't have much to philosophize about at the moment; things are flowing just as they should. I continue to feel the rhythm of this city, send out a daily intention to further sync myself with it, all the while keeping my heart and eyes open. I meet people that challenge me, and force me to go to my depths. Adversely, I meet people that feel like a deep, much-needed breath, where I can just rest.

I'm not dancing, religiously (now, dance isn't my religion, but it is a practice, necessary for me). I still find time to move my body and feel the beats of daily life, but I'm not adequately taking care of this need. Hopefully we'll see this shift in a post in the near future...

I had a birthday here last week, that was cool. I set some good intentions, had a nice time thinking over the past year, and overall feel really good about saying adieu to my teens. It's a milestone, really, moving past the teen years. Well, you can make it one. I did. I made some conscious decisions to let go of some traits that I no longer feel are appropriate. I guess we call this growing up? I sound pretty monotone in this writing, but worry not. I'm alive. And much more mature ;)

Anyway, missing people. Strange. For me, life has been one chapter after another--a series, if you will--of missing people. As of late, I find myself in a new spot on the planet, missing people from my former spot. But in the new spot, I unconsciously build new relationships, and when I predictably leave this spot for the next new one, the cycle starts again. I don't know if it's me being unsatisfied, or if it's just normal, but I have done poorly at being present. On that note, for the first time I'm seeing a part of myself that is timid in my social-behavior; I'm being relatively slow to get close to people. My last session of goodbyes was painful, and it's following me around. I wear those goodbyes like my favorite pair of sweatpants; so comfortable in them, I don't want to take them off.

In the case of my sweatpants, I should really throw them out. Let go of them for good.

With my goodbyes? Not so true. When it comes to people, you have to find the middle. The place where you honor memory, let it exist, but you don't live in it.

Alas, the sun shines brightly here. I have been blessed and taken in by an amazing family that I love. I am constantly meeting new people, that challenge and comfort, and I don't have to forget the old. All is well.

BUUUTTT, missing people is still weird. There are some people you miss, even when you're with them. That's the worst. Word of advice? Count your losses and move along. If you miss a person when you're with them, that's a sign from the Divine that they are UNAVAILABLE, and are not about to be.

Then there are those whom you wouldn't expect to miss...but then the minute they're no longer within arm's reach, everything feels wrong. The longing is painful, but realizing the intensity of your heart's ability to love is startling and comforting. It's bittersweet.

"Your beloved and your friends were once strangers. Somehow at a particular time, they came from the distance toward your life. Their arrival seemed so accidental and contingent. Now your life is unimaginable without them. Similarly, your identity and vision are composed of a certain constellation of ideas and feelings that surfaced from the depths of the distance within you. To lose these now would be to lose yourself."

— John O'Donohue (Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom)